Fed up with twitter, Facebook and Instagram with nothing but #snow #ice #weather? Me too. But…I had to jump on the bandwagon.
I took the dog in the field this morning but it was like a frozen lake…she could only slip about even though she was trying to run. In the end she walked in my footprints.
Here she is on the left paws on top of the snow then in my footprints…poor doggy
‘Feed the birds!’ everyone is shouting. So I thought I should. I purchased a couple of fat bird balls (no rude comments please) in the farm shop yesterday morning and gallantly stepped out of my doorway this morning to place one on the garden table. I didn’t even get further than a metre, down I went, falling on my back into the icy snow, banging my head on the stone doorstep. What an idiot! But how wonderful to live in this little hamlet in Dorset. I phoned the neighbour, only because I thought I should tell someone what had happened in case I passed out. Not only did one neighbour come round the others came too, when they heard the news. I hope the bloody birds eat the f*****g food. Not seen a solitary one go for it yet. Perhaps I should have served coffee too?
Apologies in advance for embarrassing any members of my family with this little post and if you don’t like discussing anything of a delicate nature then don’t read on.
Generally the roads around here are lined with impassable hedges…hmmm
I don’t wish to stir up the gender equality debate, but I’m sorry, it’s a FACT — no fake news on this blog — a man can take a pee in several other places rather than a loo, far more easily than a woman can — and what’s more, it’s accepted.
The pee debate for me began when a male friend of mine (who shall be nameless but lives in Burton Bradstock) posted on Facebook about seeing two woman on a country road squatting down, baring their backsides, to pee on the side of the road. They were, I told him, obviously desperate and he had no idea how difficult it can be sometimes, for a woman to find anywhere to ‘go’. I told him that, when I was out walking the dog, I often found it impossible to find a place where I could hide away and not to be spotted, where there would be enough room etc. If I were a man it would be so much easier. No, stinging nettles to worry about, no panic about snakes, rodents or other small wildlife, that might be lurking in the long undergrowth etc., etc., His sister was with us at the time of this discussion (she shall also be nameless, but lives in North Devon) joined in the conversation and with great gusto said, ‘Oh but you must get a Shewee!’
‘It’s a gadget that you can use to have a wee like a man.’
Well, I thought, I must get one of those. So duly got on to Amazon and ordered one with a carrying box. The first time I used it, it wasn’t too bad, but it did feel very weird and there was some leakage. Also it was quite bulky to carry in my bum bag. I discussed this whole thing with another friend, (who will also be nameless but comes from Bristol). She thought it a brilliant idea for camping, walking the dog and using some unsavoury public lavatories. She of course, because she’s like that, bought a more superior one called a Whizz Freedom. It was pliable and small and comes with a discreet carrying bag rather like a pencil-case.
‘I must have one of those!’ I declared. Quickly ordered on and then I took it out on my next long dog walk.
DISASTER!! I should have practiced with it first as I found it so pliable it wasn’t effective enough and I ended up with wet knickers and wet trousers and I was only half way round my walk! I might as well have just wet my pants! Lesson learnt, I went back to the Shewee so that I could practice with the Whizz Freedom at home.
Alas and alack…today, whilst out on my 6k walk, I inevitably needed to pee after 3k, so I went into my usual hidey-hole, which is through a gate and round the corner a little bit. I stuck my walking stick through the handle of the dog lead, so she was ‘tethered’ so to speak and prepared to pee. A few feet away on the road I had just stepped away from, a woman walked past with a dog that barked at Jpeg, who duly barked back and pulled on her lead threatening to escape! I was interrupted at the most awkward time and yet again had to walk home with my dog walking trousers soggy. I think I’m going to give up and just squat in the corner of the field and hope that the man from Burton Bradstock isn’t lurking somewhere close or out in his car disguised as a driving school instructor!
Jpeg, patiently waiting whilst tethered, it didn’t last…